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"It's happening again."
Josh stopped short. The simple sound of his voice made goosebumps spread all over his arms. His heart began an excited pitter-patter as he heard his approaching footsteps. Perhaps, he should continue moving, make his way back into the office, away from the empty hallway where he could be alone with Jay. He couldn't be alone with Jay. It brought out to many things in him.
"Josh, did you hear me?"
Jay grabbed his arm. He was not gentle. His fingers dug into Josh’s arms, the anger the other man felt effortlesly flowing into him. Josh sighed.
"It's happening again," Jay whispered.
Yet, even if Jay was angry at him, he also felt the pinpricks of desire running through both their veins. Like him, Jay also wanted more. Josh had no doubt about that. However, the kind of more they both wanted was different. Josh wanted commitment, love, affection. Jay, well, Jay, wanted sexuality, pleasure, decadence.
“You have to make it stop, Josh.”
Josh swallowed hard. Jay's tone had softened as had the blue in his eyes. The anger was quickly fading, replaced in its stead by confusion. Josh knew perfectly how he felt. He had been confused since the moment the incident had happened, but he had also accepted it quicker.
“Josh.” There was almost a tone of pleasing in Jay’s tone.
"I can't control it," Josh said.
"I can't keep living like this," Jay whispered. "I dreamed about you last night." He ran his fingers through his hair. "And the night before and the night before that, and, you get where I'm going with this, right?" Jay took a step backwards.
The intensity in his gaze was making Josh´s knees weak. Yes, he knew exactly what was happening, after all, he was also suffering. However, for him, it was a thousand times worse.
“I understand,” Josh finally said, “but I can´t help you.”
“You started this,” Jay replied. “You were the one that, that—“ he stuttered into silence, clearly unable to communicate what had happened between them.
Josh’s gut twisted painfully. The other man always managed to say the most hurtful things, even if he wasn’t aware of doing so.
“I have to get back to work,” Josh said.
“You can’t leave me like this. You can’t—“
Jay grabbed him again. He pulled on Josh’s arm, forcing him to turn around and face him.
“There’s nothing I can do.” Josh tried to keep eye contact with Jay but embarassament and sadness forced him to look down.
“You started it, undo it.”
“It’s impossible,” Josh declared. “I’ve told you the options, that’s all I’ve got.”
“That’s not enough.” Jay’s gaze searched his face. “It’s not enough. Our lives would never be the same. I can’t do it, Josh.”
TO be continued...
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