Thank you for the encouragement and the good luck wishes regarding my story revisions. *hugs everyone*
And of course thank you for your comments regarding last week's snippet. <3 You guys are the best!
Lets move on to today!
As a reminder, Kaila was making her way through a dimly lit hall that led to a Sin's door. She's not scared...but maybe she should be?
I'd love some feedback as I'm not sure the lines read well and are a bit confusing to the reader (?).
This snippet has been edited to keep to guidelines.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Clearly Sloth thought of himself as pretty invincible if that was all the security he had. Then again – she spotted the giant doors looming over the end of the hall – maybe whatever was through that door was enough to scare anyone away. Or, he was simply too lazy to do anything about his security system. After all, Sloth or Waelsp as he was most commonly known, was king of the lazy.
Clearly Sloth thought of himself as pretty invincible if that was all the security he had. Then again – she spotted the giant doors looming over the end of the hall – maybe whatever was through that door was enough to scare anyone away. Or, he was simply too lazy to do anything about his security system. After all, Sloth or Waelsp as he was most commonly known, was king of the lazy.
She swallowed hard as she came to stand directly before the
doors. King of lazy and worst. Sloth’s power could destroy a human being on Earth, here on his
plane, well, what lay beyond was no doubt deadly.
Kaila could never quite
understand why the Para-Hunters or Para-Guardians, considered him a minor Sin and often
forgot him. The damn lazy beast took more victims into
his vicious nest than any other Sin. True, they were mostly human souls but
they were valuable nonetheless even if some Para-Hunters refused to see it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Sloth, a minor Sin? Well, I guess they have their reasons but I agree with Kaila, even if he only got 'mostly human souls'! :-}
ReplyDeleteA character that's known as king of the lazy can't be good, but I suspect Sloth has good attributes that will aid when conflict arises. Good snippet, Elizabeth!
ReplyDeleteHer question about what is eyond those doors certainly ups the tension. Great snippet.
ReplyDeleteWell, if he's king of the lazy, maybe he'll be lazy about defending himself? He sounds pretty formidable though. It reads pretty well- I only got tripped up at "... could destroy a human being on Earth, here on his plane,.." I had to reread to figure out that she isn't on Earth. Maybe a harder break after Earth would clarify?
ReplyDeleteInteresting peek into the world these characters must navigate. Since you asked, I suggest not giving us two names for things unless we're really going to need to know both names. Sloth or Waelsp? Para-Hunters or Para-Guardians? The sentence with "here on his place" is a tad confusing. Took me out of the story as I read it twice to figure it out. But enjyed the the snippet! Work in progress :)
ReplyDelete"here on his plane" not 'place' LOL
DeleteI never read paranormal, so it is all new for me. But it reads well. One suggestion:
ReplyDelete"Sloth’s power could destroy a human being on Earth, here on his plane, well, what lay beyond was no doubt deadly." I would make this two sentences, with full stop (period) after Earth - or is this where the creative editing came in? ;) Great snippet.
Such an interesting world you're painting there, Elyzabeth. Fab snippet :-)
ReplyDeleteThe narrator makes a good case for not ignoring Sloth.
ReplyDeleteI love the world building and her internal thoughts. As far as nitpicking, there are a couple punctuation things I would change throughout, and I was a little confused about the difference between the Para-Hunters and Para-Guardians. I think I can tell that when you wrote this piece, you were super excited to get the words down so you could keep going. Definitely been there. But this is a really cool story you have going, and I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteOnly human souls...glad someone things they are valuable...LOL! Love that. Great snippet.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing snippet -- makes me want to read more. (And I need to know what's beyond the doors -- I'm picturing something from an episode of Hoarders.)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely interested in the world you're creating here. I'm thinking that considering him minor is underestimating him. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree about the double names, but otherwise it wasn't confusing to me. I'm guessing that the punctuation irregularities are to meet the sentence requirement for WWW. And what a unique premise!
ReplyDelete~Joyce Scarbrough